The Eyes of Agony

Looking for that blessed hope,
and the glorious appearing of the great God
and our Saviour Jesus Christ;
Titus 2:13

Jerry was taken to ER on May 26 where the medical staff did not see a possibility of his surviving. I paced and prayed outside while Lee was with her dad. Then, seemingly better, after I was with him, he was taken to ICU.

As we waited at home, overnight, to hear results from tests and an ultrasound of his heart, my most excruciating thoughts turned to the stark probability of losing the man with whom I had spent the last fifty-nine years.

I agonized, seeing what seemed inevitable ~imagining what my life would be without him.

Then, came the vision of how I would have to let go of what I held dear and precious, the man I loved, especially the last thirteen years as Jerry’s caregiver.

As I agonized over what I faced, I was reminded of the agony of my Lord and Savior.

First, in the garden of Gethsemane, he saw the vision of His cross, sweating drops of blood as He prayed. What awaited Him was the fierce reality of separation from His Father as He would suffer for the sins of His people.

Then, he knew that in order to save us, He would have to let go of His own will and life. He gave way to the will of the Father and gave all to Him for our salvation.


“Not my will, but thine be done” is only possible in our lives through the humble, sacrifice Jesus made for us.

As I write this, three weeks after Jerry’s death, June 1, the words, “Not my will” are late in coming. But I must give all to Him, submitting to the will of the Father even as He did. Jesus’ death and resurrection are the means for me to live without Jerry until He brings me to glory with them.

As He leads, I must walk hand-in-hand and heart-to-heart with Him through this valley of tears and agony, keeping my eyes on the hope that is set before me ~ the hope He secured for me on Calvary.

By His grace, Andy, our son, Lee, and I were blessed to be with Jerry the second night in ICU and the last four days in Hospice. It was during those days He was preparing us to see the Father’s will and to hope in His will for our future.

“Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith;
who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross,
despising the shame, and is set down
at the right hand of the throne of God.”

Hebrews 12:2

Keep yourselves in the love of God,
 looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ 
unto eternal life.”
Jude 1:21

Dear Father in heaven, by the precious gift of eternal life through Jesus, your Son, you have made it possible for us to endure the pain and sorrows of this world. Thank you for the love, mercy, and hope you bestow on us as your children. Let me remember you are my Maker and my Husband and you have made me to be a bride of Christ. Continue to prepare me to share your glory. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

Image: Google

29 thoughts on “The Eyes of Agony

  1. Dear Fran, I know there are no words but I trust you know how my heart goes out to you. June 1st, of course I had no idea and as per normal, I daily lift you and Jerry up in prayer. My wife and I will have been married fifty years this December and we dated for eight years prior to that, so I do have a sense of your loss. When God’s Word says that the two shall become one, I do grasp the reality of that reality and it does at times almost seem unthinkable. If I could I would surely hug you. The wonder of our God is that He has promised us we will be with Him face to face some day and we will again see and embrace those that we love that have left us behind. I pray and trust that our precious Lord will fill every corner of your heart with His peace and presence and you will know the love that goes out to you, by so many of us who have come to cherish you. Love in Christ – Bruce

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    1. Bruce, as usual you are an encouragment and know how to comfort. This month has been a combination of tears as I am missing Jerry more than I ever thought I could. But within this sorrow the Lord has brought tears of joy because of His blessings during this time. Thank you for your prayers and support. Blessings to you and Peggy.


      1. Dear Fran, there hasn’t been a day that has gone by since I first learned that Jerry was now with our Lord that when I mention you name in my prayers, that I haven’t stopped and sensed the missing of Jerry that you feel and just talked about. I guess it really hit me because of how long my wife and I have been together and I just can’t imagine her not being here with me. I don’t think we can ever be prepared for something like that, I really don’t. I know that I’ve asked for God’s peace to flood you and His presence to be with you because His presence touches at a deep level where you hurt. And a couple of days ago, when I was lifting you up in prayer, God reminded me how Jesus wept when Lazarus died, out of compassion for the bereaved, so I knew that He perfectly understood how you feel and that comforted me also. I’m glad that I shared that with you now because I’m thinking it wasn’t only for me. You’re in my prayers every day Fran, much blessings. – Bruce


  2. Dear Fran, so sorry for your loss but so blessed by your words. We lost Mum on 3 March and the eldest of my three younger sisters on 26 May so we share in what you have experienced and are experiencing. Like you we rejoice that our loved ones are now restored and with our Lord Jesus. You are in our thoughts and prayers. David

    Liked by 1 person


    So very sorry for your loss, Fran. Your strength through all this is admirable. Your faith is apparent and will get you through this. There will be times of sadness and grief, but that’s OK too. Even Jesus wept. Our tears act as a cleansing agent and restore us. I will also keep you in my prayers as God’s will is always for our benefit.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Dear Fran
    Thank you for sharing these powerful, painful truths. May the God of comfort surround you with ever-increasing understanding of Him – His plan – His love – His power – His presence – that you might build the Kingdom more and more.
    Love and prayers,
    Billie Jo

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Fran, I wish I could sit beside you in person and let you cry. Not possible, but I know Jesus is sitting beside you and letting you cry on His shoulder. He is also celebrating the presence of Jerry in His presence. You and your family are in my prayers.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Dear Cheryl, your encouragent is very much appreciated. I have cried much this past month, but more because of my Father’s presence and blessings. Blessings for you and your family.


    1. Dear Elizabeth, though this is a weary path, it is the path where we need Him the most. and as we continue on, we are drawn closer to Him and each other. Thank you for your love and your prayers. Love and blessings.


  6. Dear Fran, What a wonderful testimony. I am very sad for your loss. You have shown the Light of God around you as you went thru this terrible time. Your loved one is waiting to welcome you Home in that Land of Light. Thank you for sharing this. I am in prayer for you and family. Blessings and Peace thru our Lord Jesus Christ.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Dear Fran, You have been such an encouragement to me in my own time of grieving. You would think I would have words for you now but they do not come. I pray your sorrow would be infused with joy as you walk this valley with our wonderful Lord.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Fran – I had no idea that Jerry passed away. I am so very sorry. My heart hurts for you. At this time I am really at a loss for words so I will continue to pray for you and then be back in touch very soon. With love,Terri

    Liked by 1 person

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